Thursday, October 09, 2003

"I wished I could have stood where you would have been proud ..."

Have you heard the new Dixie Chicks' song "Top Of The World"? It stops me in my tracks every time I hear it played. I think they are so very talented. Oh, and just so you know ... I think Natalie Maines has the right to say whatever the hell she wants to say. If her words hurt your conservative ears so much that you can't bear to ever listen to her incredibly talented voice ever again ... well, you're a dumbass.

Tomorrow, they are performing in Charlotte with The Indigo Girls. And y'all know how I feel about those Indigo Girls. I'll just stay home and play my cd's, I guess.

So that song ... "Top Of The World" ... when I hear it, I sit very still and try to figure out just what I'm feeling. I think it has a lot to do with wondering "what if" and then feeling lots of regret. And then I feel really sad because the feeling of "I caused it" surfaces. "It" meaning every problem my children will ever have to deal with.

Hard to explain, but lately I've been wondering what I could have done differently so that my daughter could have gone through high school and college without the burden of her mental illness. Sometimes I cry and beg God to make me sick ... so that she can be well. He's not listening.

'Cause everyone's singing
We just wanna be heard
Disappearing everyday without so much as a word somehow
Wanna grab a hold of that little song bird
Take her for a ride to the top of the world right now
To the top of the world


I guess I'm in one of those moods today. I feel useless and sad, like there's nothing to look forward to and my job is pointless, and hell, no one likes me. The rational side of me (which is a tiny little freckle on my pinky toe) whispers that I need an anti-depressant, but it's hard to hear it from that far away. Plus I've never really liked that toe anyway.


Plan For Today:

Vacuum the living room and the foyer
Clean the kitchen floor
Put clean sheets on the bed
Pay bills
Meet with new employer at 2 PM
Go see Bubba the Cat
Watch Survivor
Pick Jimmy up at the airport


New employer, you ask? Why yes, thank you. More later, after I get the details.


If Bubba the Cat doesn't come out from under Brandy's bed today, well ... there's not much I can do. Brandy's been in Arizona all week, and I've been visiting Bubba every day to make sure he's OK. Only he's very good at ignoring me. Even when I showed up with a Chick-Fil-A sandwich. The good part is that I know he's coming out when I'm not there, since the litter box is used, and he's eating and drinking. I must be very scary.


Big Survivor Rumor:

I heard that the first few people voted out -- like the first six or so (the "pre-jury" folks, if you will) -- are being kept on a third island, under only slightly better conditions. At some point in the near future they will have a competition and the winner will get to rejoin the game even though they have been voted out.


If it's true, I'll scream with glee. If it's not true, I'll continue to be the freak who has such a boring life that she believes Big Survivor Rumors.


Thought For Today:
"Embrace this moment. Remember. We are eternal. All this pain is an illusion." (Tool) Thanks Adam, for the correct lyrics.:-)


Emilie said...

Please don't think that....
When I read that you feel useless and sad, and that you think nobody likes you, it made me cry because that is so not true. I don't know what I would do without you mom. You have been such a huge part of my life and I love you so much. Please don't wish this sickness on to yourself. I wouldn't want you to have it as much as you don't want me to have it. But it's me who has it and there's nothing we can do to change that. It will only make me stronger....just remember that because I'm trying to. I love you very much, and I want to hear about that new job.
Love, Emilie

Dawn said...

I love you too, and you'll probably never know how very proud I am of you.

Loved seeing you on Saturday ... and looking forward to Fall Break!