"How's the world treating you? ..."

Oh, hi. You still here?

Sorry it's been so long. I was thinking I could make a bunch of excuses, like how I've been busy with doing laundry or organizing my CD's or updating Quicken or sitting on my ass watching the new TV. You want more excuses? I've got dozens.But truthfully, the reason I'm not updating regularly is that I'm still barely surfacing. Depression keeps tripping me up lately, always does that in the winter months. For 40 plus years, the gameplan has been "Fake It Until It Feels Better" ... so I guess that's what I'm trying to do.

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So yeah, I decided to throw a whole bunch of Christmas money at this guy who works at Tweeter, and then he helped Adam and Jimmy load a huge TV on the back of Jimmy's truck. Of course they had to go back and get another one, because I changed my mind about the one I wanted on the way home from the store. But really all that matters is ... now I can sit out at my mailbox and watch TV. No kidding. This thing is humongous. Bad part is, I'm used to it already ... and the TV in my bedroom (29-inch screen) seems too tiny to watch. (Spoiled, I think they call it.)Jimmy shopped around for a home theater system to go with the new TV, and bought this supersonic Sony thing ... only decided he didn't like the way the DVD's and CD's load into it. So he'll be returning that for another one next time he's home. I haven't used the DVD player/stereo system part of it at all -- I'm stuck watching CMT ... MTV ... All My Children ... Driven: Jessica Simpson ... The Bachelorette -- you name it, I'm watching it. And now I can actually read football and basketball scores. :-)

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Adam's truck died. We think it'll be raised from the dead for the right price though. Meanwhile, he's tooling around Clemson in my car. I told you having a one-day-a-week job made sense. Heh.

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Supposed to be a rainy, cold weekend around here. At least we're above zero. I'm feeling for all those Northeasterners. 8 below in Boston tonight. Now that's cooler than being cool. ICE COLD! (Ahem.) Speaking of the weekend, Nick and Jessica will be hosting Saturday Night Live this weekend ... FYI. I watch way too much TV, I guess. Oh well, it's better than staring at my fingernails.

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I have just about finished putting all our CD's in notebooks. It feels great to get them all together in one place, and out of all the various racks in one room or another. Current count: just under 600. Including Milli Vanilli. Girl, you know it's true!

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The Voice Within

Young girl, don't cry

I'll be right here when your world starts to fall

Young girl, it's all right

Your tears will dry, you'll soon be free to fly

When you're safe inside your room you tend to dream

Of a place where nothing's harder than it seems

No one ever wants or bothers to explain

Of the heartache life can bring and what it means

When there's no one else

Look inside yourself

Like your oldest friend

Just trust the voice within

Then you'll find the strength

That will guide your way

If you will learn to begin

To trust the voice within

Young girl, don't hide

You'll never change if you just run away

Young girl, just hold tight

And soon you're gonna see your brighter day

Now in a world where innocence is quickly claimed

It's so hard to stand your ground when you're so afraid

No one reaches out a hand for you to hold

When you're lost outside look inside to your soul

When there's no one else

Look inside yourself

Like your oldest friend

Just trust the voice within

Then you'll find the strength

That will guide your way

If you will learn to begin

To trust the voice within

Yeah...Life is a journey

It can take you anywhere you choose to go

As long as you're learning

You'll find all you'll ever need to know

You'll make it

You'll make it

Just don't go forsaking yourself

No one can stop you

You know that I'm talking to you

When there's no one else

Look inside yourself

Like your oldest friend

Just trust the voice within

Then you'll find the strength

That will guide your way

If you will learn to begin

To trust the voice within

Young girl don't cry

I'll be right here when your world starts to fall

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Thought For Today:

"Life must be lived forward, but it can only be understood backward."

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Outside My House Today:

High: 53

Low: 45

Sunny and windy

"Lately there's been too much of this ..."

Brr.

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Last night I talked to my friend Sharon. She's out of a job again. I could hardly believe my ears when she told me that she'd been "let go" by that freakin' B1g L0ts. Also, she told me that the manager had resigned, and they had fired about 20 people. So there. I don't feel as guilty for quitting that one. I really liked the manager ... hope he's found something else to do. Sharon hasn't. She's in bad shape. She might come over later to use the computer here to do some searching and applying online.

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"The Real World - San Diego" started last night (don't smirk at me, YES I watch too much TV) and I was surprised to see a pretty young priss from Anderson, SC is one of the seven roomies. She's a student at Tri-County Technical College, where my very own firstborn was enrolled for one semester several years ago. Anyhoo, I was totally getting into the whole drama of their first few days in the (as usual) gorgeous house on the water. A few of them drank themselves silly on the first night ... anyway, I was dismayed to hear our hometown girl (Cameryn, or something like that) go into detail about she "doesn't like YANKEES". And she ain't talking about the baseball team. Later on in the show, I said "Whoo hoooo!" when she appeared wearing a Clemson t-shirt ... and then I yelled "nooooooo!" when she bluntly tells everyone that she brought her vibrator with her to the house. Oh yeah! Make your Mama proud, girl.

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Speaking of Clemson, I don't believe I have given mention of the Tigers' BRILLIANT performance in the Peach Bowl on January 2nd. It was soooo fun to watch as they won 27 - 14 over Tennessee. And if the refs had been doing their job, they never would have called back one of Clemson's touchdowns, and the score would have been even higher! It was a perfect ending to an incredible season ... and I can't wait until August!

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Hope the first day of classes went smoothly for my kids ... I was thinking about you today!

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Thought For Today:"The good, the bad, hardship, joy, tragedy, love, and happiness are all interwoven into one indescribable whole that one calls life. You cannot separate the good from the bad, and perhaps there is no need to do so." (Jacqueline Bouvier Kennedy Onassis)

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Outside My House Today:
High: 39
Low: 19
Partly cloudy

2003 in Q&A

1. What did you do in 2003 that you'd never done before?

Passed a state board exam; quit 3 different jobs; got highlights in my hair; came ->this close<- to giving up or having a nervous breakdown, whatever you want to call it.

2. Did you keep your New Year's resolutions, and will you make more for next year?

The only resolution I made last year was about money. I wanted to be in less debt at the end of the year. And no thanks to me, I think we are. Yeah, I've made some more for this year ... they're at the bottom of this entry.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?

No.

4. Did anyone close to you die?

No. But the death of a co-worker's daughter hit my husband and me like a ton of bricks.

5. What countries did you visit?

Give me a break, I haven't left the southeast.

6. What would you like to have in 2004 that you lacked in 2003?

More money; serenity; weight loss.

7. What date(s) from 2003 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?

I can't think of any.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?

Not many achievements for me lately, so I'll just say it was making it through that silly CNA course I took. I had so little confidence in myself ... just the fact that I stayed with it until the end was a miracle.

9. What was your biggest failure?

Realizing that I was probably never going to work as a CNA, and that I had wasted all the money spent on that course was 2003's big failure.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?

No injury, and only one bout with the fever/sore throat bug last January and one bladder infection in November. Not bad!

11. What was the best thing you bought?

I didn't actually buy it ... my mother paid for it. But we have a new dining room table with 6 chairs. Nice. Maybe the best thing I bought was Jane Iredale mineral face powder. It costs a fortune, but it doesn't irritate my rosacea.

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?Well it certainly wasn't MINE.

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?

My husband's. He is unable (unwilling?) to understand Emilie's illness, and my depression confounds him as well. My mother's quickness to criticize others was pretty appalling too.

14. Where did most of your money go?

Most of our money goes to the "Kids" category, since we're paying rent and most living expenses for them. The next big chunk goes to our house payment. We also were able to put a sizable amount into savings this year. Yay, us.

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?

My trip to visit Laura and Melody last January was a high spot, and tailgating always makes me smile.

16. What song will always remind you of 2003?

Probably the Outkast song "Hey Ya", since it never failed to make me smile when I heard it.

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:

i. happier or sadder? Sadder

ii. thinner or fatter? Fatter

iii. richer or poorer? Richer

18. What do you wish you'd done more of?

Exercising.

19. What do you wish you'd done less of?

Worrying.

20. How did you spend Christmas?

At home with the kids and Jimmy, Brandy, my mother and Kay, Josh and Beth.

22. Did you fall in love in 2003?

Oh no.

23. How many one-night stands?

Ha!

24. What was your favorite TV program?

Survivor, always Survivor

25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?

No, I don't have much hate in me anymore.

26. What was the best book you read?

I didn't read anything memorable in 2003.

27. What was your greatest musical discovery?

Can't think of any ... oh wait, maybe my huge crush on Justin Timberlake will count for this question. "I don't know what I'm thinkin' 'bout, leavin' here wit chu ..."

28. What did you want and get?

A dining room table? (weird question)

29. What did you want and not get?

Hardwood floors; new living room furniture; new bed? (same weirdness)

30. What was your favorite film of 2003?

I didn't see many, but I loved "Mona Lisa Smile"(that's probably considered a 2004 film) and "The Life of David Gale".

31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?

44 years old. And I don't remember my birthday very well at all.

32.What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?

Losing 100 pounds

33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2003?

Comfort. Period. I don't own enough pajamas.

34. What kept you sane?My kids.35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?

I have to choose? Justin Timberlake ... Jessica and Nick ... Dave Matthews ... Josh Groban ... Rupert ... !

36. What political issue stirred you the most?

The war.

37. Who did you miss?

Adam and Emilie.

38. Who was the best new person you met?

Sharon ... she teaches me about perseverance through difficult times.

39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2003.

I can bear a lot more than I thought. And the support and encouragement I give to my daughter plays a huge role in her ability to cope with her illness.

40. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year.

"It's hanging on when your heart has had enoughIt's giving more when you feel like giving upI've seen the lightIt's in my daughter's eyes"(Martina McBride sings this beautiful song.)

My New Year Resolutions:

Spend some time outside every day. Read every day. Continue shrinking the credit card debt. Take a walk 3 or 4 times a week. Keep my house in order.

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Outside My House Today:

High: 48

Low: 34

Partly cloudy and windy

"We'll drink a cup of kindness ..."

"Every man should be born again on the first day of January. Start with a fresh page. Take up one hole more in the buckle if necessary, or let down one, according to circumstances; but on the first of January let every man gird himself once more, with his face to the front, and take no interest in the things that were and are past." (Henry Ward Beecher)