Thursday, May 10, 2007

"I could be wholesome, I could be loathsome ..."

I swear to you this: Learning to "let go" is one of the, if not the, hardest lesson life is trying to teach me. I don't know if all parents have such a difficult time with the whole "I'm A Mom, But My Kids Are Adults 101", but holy crap. I ride the short bus to school every day for this class.

Add to the mix the fact that I've lost almost 140 pounds in the last year, and am struggling to figure out why this has changed some aspects of my personality, and left others exactly where they've always been. I feel "younger" and a little more "part of the world" than I did for the last 20 years. But I have to stop and think about how weirded-out I'd be if Frances started wanting to go out with friends every weekend, or listening to hip-hop, or using language that'd make a sailor blush. I'd be angry. And even at my advanced age, I'd want her to get back in the Mom Box. That's where she's always been, damnit, and that's who she is to me. (Speaking of Frances, she saw an orthopedic surgeon yesterday, and will have her knee replacement surgery sometime in the next six weeks. She'll learn the exact date in the next week or so.)

And then I always seem to be adding the cherry on top: I can't stop with the advice-giving. My kids are adults. I raised them well. They don't want -- or need -- the constant hints and tips on "How To Live Your Best Life".

Gaaaaah. I'm hopeless. I'm really sorry yesterday was so crappy, Em. I won't stop trying.
I need to start doing my homework so I can finally pass this class.

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Amy, my primary care doc is a disappointment, in every way.

I keep saying I'm going to find a new one, but let's not forget: I'm the Queen Of Procrastination in all things. Anyway, he's basically useless with the medical stuff ... one of the reasons it's been over a year since I've even been to his office. The last time I did see him, he was sending me to Weight Watchers, and trying different anti-depressants, so I thought he'd be blown away by my weight loss.

I should have known. He played it very cool, telling me I looked good, in his monotone-doctor-voice ... AFTER I told him I'd had weight loss surgery. I guess, in hindsight, it wouldn't have been very professional of him to come in and say, "JESUS! You lost weight!", like I wanted him to do. Heh.
He asked how I liked my surgeon, saying he had several patients who needed the surgery, but he didn't know about any of the surgeons around here. WHA??? I mean, you're a physician in an area that has THREE surgeons who do this type of surgery. If you had patients who "need it", why wouldn't you take an hour or two and FIND THE FUCK OUT??!! (There I go with the non-Mom language. Sorry.)

He was nice, but he lived up to his reputation of "useless". I couldn't even count on him for a little excited reaction to my weight loss. Maybe he feels the same way my husband does: "Hey, isn't that what the surgery was SUPPOSED to do??!!"

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Heyyyyy Melissa!

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Finally: Whew. Blake and his beatbox survived to sing another week.


2 comments:

Anonymous said...

Hey Dawn!!

I have a great PCP if you want to come to Boiling Springs. She is awesome and was VERY supportive in decision for wls surgery. When I went to see her in the fall, she told me how excited she was that morning when she saw that I was coming in that day.

Hugs,
Dianne

Amy said...

Let me just say, sometimes I think we expect way too much out of a man. I have learned very valuable lessons from my husband. He has told me from the very beginning of our dating relationship that he would NEVER EVER buy me clothes. Because if he bought them too big then I would think he thought I was BIG and if he bought them too small then I would think I was too BIG. So no clothes. Either way he would be screwed. Also, as time has gone by Bassem will not say that I look like I have lost weight in fear that I would read too much into it. Now I have to admit I have one of the BEST husbands in the world. He always tells me how great I look and how hot I am, even when I know he is a BIG FAT LIAR, ha ha. So, I think that maybe men are afraid to say anything about a womans weight no matter if it is a good thing or a bad thing (this is them trying to spare our feelings). However they do not seem to realize that when we shed a few pounds or in your case a lot (I mean a 140 pounds is awesome, out of this world....)we need them to praise us and let us know how great we look. So..... all I know to say is that part of the brain in a man does not work the way that we would like it to. Okay.... now see I stuck up for the men for once, but I hope that they can see a lesson in there too. Also, let me just say it for all the men..... Dawn you look awesome, you are one hot lady. I am so happy and proud of you and I know all of your family and friends are too.
As far as the change in personality when you shed some pounds...... my mom has too. She does not see it. I tell her all the time, but she just does not see it. I think you guys are finally letting the "real you" out. I think that my mom was too afraid sometimes to act certain ways just b/c of the way that people already look at "fluffy" people. I can totally see that and why. I am at my biggest weight that I have ever been and I can see a HUGE change in my personality. Not only am I more crabby (b/c I am ashamed of myself)but I am no longer that fly by the seat of my pants girl. I have to think about things now. Like as a fat girl, are people going to look at me funny for doing that or am I too big to do that..... on and on and on. Nobody wants to see all my fat out that flapping in the wind as I try to shake my ghetto booty. So, I think that it is great that you are having fun and being young again.... you deserve it, if you were anything like my mom you have been boxed up for many years. Get out, have fun, take that ol' husband of yours dancing. Have a blast, we only live once and we are not promised that the next day will be here to party it up. Don't die wishing you had done something that you were putting off for another day.