Friday, May 05, 2006

"Stronger than yesterday ... "

Good Lord, I'm hungry. I'm not complaining, really I'm not. Just hungry. :-)

At 9 AM every day, I have a delicious and nutritious 6-oz. chocolate Optifast.

At 11 AM, I change things up and have the strawberry flavor.

At 1 PM, back to chocolate.

At 3 PM, it's time for vanilla!

At 5 PM, I close the Optifast experience with another chocolate drink.

At 7 PM, I eat "THE MEAL" ... 4 oz. of protein, 1 cup of cooked vegetables, 1 teaspoon of fat, and 1 piece of fruit.

In between everything, I'm getting in at least 100 ounces of water. And anytime I damn well please, I can have a sugar-free popsicle.

This is what my surgeon requires for 3 to 4 weeks before the surgery happens. He says it will build up the protein and vitamin stores in my body to make recovery faster, and it will shrink my liver ... which will make the operation easier for both of us.

I never did get around to eating those last dinners everyone talks about ... you know, all those foods you know you won't eat again, at least for a very long time. I thought about Krystal cheeseburgers, Krispy Kreme doughnuts, BBQ ribs, fried shrimp, fried chicken ... well, I thought about a lot of food! Hey y'all, I didn't get to be a fat girl by eating vegetables at every meal! But I never did make it to any of those. I did have my favorite Pasta Milano on my birthday weekend. And the night before I started the Optifast, Jimmy and I went out and had a steak and baked potato at Logan's. One day, in the far distant future, I may have another taste of a Krystal cheeseburger, but I'll never again sit down to a bag full. (And feel like dying after eating them. And taste the fake onions for two days.)

I'm OK with it. Eating the way I've eaten for years is what got me to this place. Even still, I'm feeling some sadness ... last night I was seasoning my "4 oz. portion of protein", and saw my Jane's Krazy Mixed Up Salt in the cabinet. Immediately I got all pouty-faced, thinking of my special popcorn ... with the melted butter, Parmesan cheese, and Jane's. Man, that tasted good with a "real" Coke over ice. My old friend Leslie and I used to pig out on that stuff every Thursday night while we watched "Knot's Landing" together. She taught me some really BAD snacking habits, that girl.

But I'm on another road now ... or the same road, just farther along. If I continue to eat whatever I want, as much as I want, I will never live to enjoy grandchildren. I will sink deeper in the depression that being overweight causes in me. I've already wasted so much time.

-----

On my birthday in March, I made a list ... or the beginnings of a list ... of some things I'm looking forward to ...

*Buying clothes because I love them, not just because they fit.
*Sitting anywhere I please, instead of looking for the sturdiest chair in the room.
*Having my picture taken, instead of avoiding it like the plague.
*Getting weighed at the doctor's office without shame.
*Hugging someone without cringing with the thought, "Is my fat creeping them out?"
*Improving my health!
*Going to the movies without physical pain.
*Less snoring at night.
*Hopefully having a jawline again. And cheekbones!
*Taking up less space in my car, on my couch, everywhere.
*Crossing my legs like a lady.
*Sweating LESS.
*Wearing pretty shoes.
*Finding out what I look like as a "normal" adult!
*Making my family proud of me.
*Traveling without all the ISSUES I carry with me everywhere now.
*Climbing stairs without my heart racing and being out of breath.
*Having people I haven't seen lately not recognize me.
*Fitting into ANY booth in ANY restaurant.
*Walking through a turnstile without having to turn sideways and squeeeeeze through on my tiptoes.
*Being "present" for every special moment in my life ... grandbabies, my daughter's wedding, time with extended family, etc ... instead of feeling misery inside because I'm so fat.
*Knowing that I finally did something for ME.

-----

Here's my schedule for the next 3 weeks:

**May 8 - Pre-op Support Group
**May 9 - Nutrition Class
**May 11 - Pre-Surgery Group (where we are told (again) of the possible complications and what to expect in the hospital.)
**May 16 - Nutrition Class
**May 17 - EGD at Hillcrest Hospital
**May 18 - Pre-op appointment at Hillcrest Hospital
**May 22 - Pre-op Support Group
**May 23 - Nutrition Class
**May 24 - Surgery at Hillcrest Hospital

-----

Have a great weekend!

1 comment:

Brandy said...

I'm proud of you, Dawn. It will be here before you know it! :)