"Drink a hope to happy years ..."

I'm ready?? I'm ready!!

I went tonight and yakked away 3 hours with nine other women who live in and around Greenville. They've all had, or are waiting to have, gastric bypass. Laughed until my face hurt. Got lots of hugs and good wishes for my journey. I'm glad I went.

Just so everyone knows ... I love my family more than anything in the world. My children are the very center of my heart. I am doing this so I can more fully embrace the time we have together. I love you.

So I'll be back. Hold my place, will you?

"Hold this thread as I walk away ..."

101 Optifasts down, 4 to go.

I am so good at denial. I have not yet fully realized that tomorrow I will have only clear liquids, and the next day I will be under anesthesia. I guess it'll hit me when I smell the hospital.

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Quiet weekend ... you? Jimmy spent all his time with his new love. When he wasn't out riding the motorcycle, he was tinkering on it, washing it, sitting on it, or looking at it. Then he would come inside, sit with his laptop, and READ about it.

Oh, and he made 23 burritos out of leftovers for next week.

I cleaned the house on Saturday. On Sunday, I lazed around. Enjoyed "The Sopranos" so much last night ... when Carmela was in Paris, I knew exactly how she felt and what she was thinking. I've been to the same place in my head before. And then you have to wake up and do the laundry. (It's just a TV show, Dawn!)

I made Ricotta-stuffed shells and salad for dinner last night, but I ate 4 ounces of leftover steak and salad. It's hard for me to believe that I stuck to the pre-op diet for 3 weeks with not ONE cheat. As of last week, I had lost 11 pounds. I don't feel as if I've lost anymore this week, for some reason ... but I'll be officially weighed tomorrow when I go for my last Nutrition class.

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The hippies won "The Amazing Race", Aras won "Survivor ... so who will win "American Idol"? I can't decide if Taylor is retarded or sexy ... but I think he's got it in the bag. Now I have to wait until July until "Big Brother" begins. "Hi, my name is Dawn and I'm a reality TV-aholic."

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Big, happy congratulations to our nephew, Paul. He graduated from high school last Friday! Whoo hooo!

"I have become comfortably numb ..."

At least that's what I was singing yesterday. An IV full of Versed and Demoral will do that to ya. My nurse gave me the very helpful hint that if I wouldn't try to talk while the scope was down my throat, that I wouldn't have a sore throat after it was all over. She was right! Not a hint of a sore throat anywhere. I'll have to share that with my friend Melony (who told me she had a sore throat for 2 days after her EGD) when I see her later today.

Jimmy dropped me off at home after it was over, and I slept like a baby all afternoon. Drugged sleep is good sleep.

This morning I went back to the hospital to square things away in the business office and bleed into tubes for the lab people. I found out that my surgery will be at 8:00 AM on Wednesday ... which means I have to be there at 6:15 AM. Ouch.

Weird Dawn Fact For Thursday: Every time I've had my blood pressure taken in the last few months ... and it's been a lot ... it's been running a bit high, 150/90, or something close to that. Today, the nurse took it twice to be sure: 98/65. WTF? She didn't seem too concerned, making some comment about how relaxed I was. What do I know? Maybe the Versed was still working.

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I have got so much to do between now and next Tuesday. I wonder if I'll stop procrastinating long enough to actually do any of it.

I'll have to get back to you on that. Hope you're all having a good Thursday. :-)

"Letting the days go by ..."

Miss me?

I went to Georgia on Thursday afternoon. 'Twas good to see the family, but good to get back home again too. I spent time with my Mom, Kay and Beth, Laura and Melody, Michael and Patti ... even got to spend a little time with Paul and Hallie, too. There is never enough time when I get down there, and this visit was no exception.

I got home on Mother's Day, and got a visit by my own kiddos. Emilie brought me a dozen roses, all different colors ... so pretty! Adam and Brandy brought me a flat of bud-filled impatiens to fill all my pots (gonna plant them today). We ate dinner together, and then watched the finale of Survivor. Great Mother's Day!

Adam's back to Philly again this week, Brandy's in NC for a few days, and Em's gone back to Clemson. The world's still spinning, I guess. "Same as it ever was ..."

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Jimmy shocked me by actually shopping while I was gone. I came home to find an incredible new treadmill in my house! I love it. Now there is no excuse ... daily exercise! It has a fan, TWO cupholders, a magazine rack, several pre-programmed routines, and you can make your own too. Too cool!

Turns out Adam and Brandy bought a treadmill on the same day ... not knowing Jimmy was buying one. Great minds think alike?

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Nothing to eat or drink after midnight for me ... at 1:30 PM tomorrow, I will have an endoscopy. Dr. Bour will look to make sure there are no ulcers and other scary things in my esophagus and stomach. I've stocked up on sugar-free frozen Snapple pops for the sore throat I've been told I'll have afterwards. Wish me luck.

"Monday, Monday - can't trust that day ... "

The weekend was over in a flash, was it not?

Saturday, we had the most gorgeous weather known to man. The sky was bluest blue, the air was clear, and the temps were perfect. We spent a couple of hours at the storage building, going through Grandma F's things. Adam came to help, and we ended up filling both trucks with things for Goodwill. We left some things we want to go through, and some things we don't want to get rid of, and called it done for now.

Jimmy had a major itch to get on the road to NC ... a motorcycle was calling his name. He ended up buying it, and I guess I'll have to drive him up there tomorrow so he can bring the darn thing home. It really is a pretty bike, and he seems almost like a kid ... he's so excited and happy with his purchase.

We actually took a walk after dinner on Saturday. And the world didn't end!

On Sunday, the Weather God said, "Forget that!" We woke to dark skies, falling temps, wind, and rain. Actually, another variety of perfect weather in my book. Perfect, in that you don't feel guilty for snuggling in bed, or on the couch, and watching Lifetime movies all day. We watched a Netflix movie, and sat side by side, with our laptops, under the comforter for most of the day. Ahhhh ... two geeks on a loveseat.

Adam flew off to Philadelphia for the week ... hope all is well there!

Brandy came over Sunday evening, and brought "Brokeback Mountain". Jimmy ran upstairs so as not to accidentally see or hear even a second of the movie. It was actually good ... not as spectacular as I've heard some say ... but good. The scenery was gorgeous, the music was beautiful, and Heath Ledger and Jake Gyllenhoweveryouspellit were gorgeous AND beautiful.

Emilie is doing well ... she sounds happier than ever when she calls to say hi. :-)

And now you're updated! Don't you feel better?

Oh! And I'm not as miserably hungry as I was the last time I wrote. I'm getting this whole "drink all day, only one meal" thing under control! I dreamed last night I binged on candy, and Jimmy came home and found all the wrappers ... he was so mad at me. Bad dream. But I had a beautiful bathroom ... where I ran to hide in embarrassment ... which proves it WAS a dream after all.

"Stronger than yesterday ... "

Good Lord, I'm hungry. I'm not complaining, really I'm not. Just hungry. :-)

At 9 AM every day, I have a delicious and nutritious 6-oz. chocolate Optifast.

At 11 AM, I change things up and have the strawberry flavor.

At 1 PM, back to chocolate.

At 3 PM, it's time for vanilla!

At 5 PM, I close the Optifast experience with another chocolate drink.

At 7 PM, I eat "THE MEAL" ... 4 oz. of protein, 1 cup of cooked vegetables, 1 teaspoon of fat, and 1 piece of fruit.

In between everything, I'm getting in at least 100 ounces of water. And anytime I damn well please, I can have a sugar-free popsicle.

This is what my surgeon requires for 3 to 4 weeks before the surgery happens. He says it will build up the protein and vitamin stores in my body to make recovery faster, and it will shrink my liver ... which will make the operation easier for both of us.

I never did get around to eating those last dinners everyone talks about ... you know, all those foods you know you won't eat again, at least for a very long time. I thought about Krystal cheeseburgers, Krispy Kreme doughnuts, BBQ ribs, fried shrimp, fried chicken ... well, I thought about a lot of food! Hey y'all, I didn't get to be a fat girl by eating vegetables at every meal! But I never did make it to any of those. I did have my favorite Pasta Milano on my birthday weekend. And the night before I started the Optifast, Jimmy and I went out and had a steak and baked potato at Logan's. One day, in the far distant future, I may have another taste of a Krystal cheeseburger, but I'll never again sit down to a bag full. (And feel like dying after eating them. And taste the fake onions for two days.)

I'm OK with it. Eating the way I've eaten for years is what got me to this place. Even still, I'm feeling some sadness ... last night I was seasoning my "4 oz. portion of protein", and saw my Jane's Krazy Mixed Up Salt in the cabinet. Immediately I got all pouty-faced, thinking of my special popcorn ... with the melted butter, Parmesan cheese, and Jane's. Man, that tasted good with a "real" Coke over ice. My old friend Leslie and I used to pig out on that stuff every Thursday night while we watched "Knot's Landing" together. She taught me some really BAD snacking habits, that girl.

But I'm on another road now ... or the same road, just farther along. If I continue to eat whatever I want, as much as I want, I will never live to enjoy grandchildren. I will sink deeper in the depression that being overweight causes in me. I've already wasted so much time.

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On my birthday in March, I made a list ... or the beginnings of a list ... of some things I'm looking forward to ...

*Buying clothes because I love them, not just because they fit.
*Sitting anywhere I please, instead of looking for the sturdiest chair in the room.
*Having my picture taken, instead of avoiding it like the plague.
*Getting weighed at the doctor's office without shame.
*Hugging someone without cringing with the thought, "Is my fat creeping them out?"
*Improving my health!
*Going to the movies without physical pain.
*Less snoring at night.
*Hopefully having a jawline again. And cheekbones!
*Taking up less space in my car, on my couch, everywhere.
*Crossing my legs like a lady.
*Sweating LESS.
*Wearing pretty shoes.
*Finding out what I look like as a "normal" adult!
*Making my family proud of me.
*Traveling without all the ISSUES I carry with me everywhere now.
*Climbing stairs without my heart racing and being out of breath.
*Having people I haven't seen lately not recognize me.
*Fitting into ANY booth in ANY restaurant.
*Walking through a turnstile without having to turn sideways and squeeeeeze through on my tiptoes.
*Being "present" for every special moment in my life ... grandbabies, my daughter's wedding, time with extended family, etc ... instead of feeling misery inside because I'm so fat.
*Knowing that I finally did something for ME.

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Here's my schedule for the next 3 weeks:

**May 8 - Pre-op Support Group
**May 9 - Nutrition Class
**May 11 - Pre-Surgery Group (where we are told (again) of the possible complications and what to expect in the hospital.)
**May 16 - Nutrition Class
**May 17 - EGD at Hillcrest Hospital
**May 18 - Pre-op appointment at Hillcrest Hospital
**May 22 - Pre-op Support Group
**May 23 - Nutrition Class
**May 24 - Surgery at Hillcrest Hospital

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Have a great weekend!

"I've got a sky full of angels watching over me ..."

Cover your ears.

I'VE GOT A SURGERY DATE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Sorry about that. Hee.

Kim from Dr. Bour's office called at 10 AM today. She said, "I've got your pre-authorization from your insurance here ... want to have surgery?" I said, "GET. OUT."

She asked if I wanted May the freakin' 24th as my date ... well, she didn't say the "freakin" part ... and I said, "Yessssssssss!" I hung up the phone and burst into tears. My fingers went numb, and I cried and laughed and cried some more. I can't even wrap my head around it yet.

I have to start on the Optifast diet, and will go and get all my stuff at 4 PM today.

May 24th, people. Can you believe it??!!